Are We All Witnesses? Really?

[Editor's note: This piece was finished about two weeks ago, before LeBron flamed out of the NBA playoffs and sulked like a child about it. I went back and re-read this, and I still feel everything is still applicable. If you think I'm piling on, well too damn bad.]

Well, this is a piece about two-and-a-half years in the making, so I thought long and hard about what the proper subject for my first post should be. And since, as hopefully you will all learn, I am an unapologetic sports fanatic, I figured that I should tackle the preeminent figure in American sports at the present time…no, not Charles Barkley, Michael Vick, or even Mr. Un-Retirement himself, Brett Favre. I’m talking about the one and only LeBron James.

So, to put all the cards on the table, I have never been a fan of Mr. James – as a Washington, DC native, I grew up following the Bullets/Wizards, and anyone who has followed LeBron’s career knows that he has made a mockery of Gilbert Arenas & Co. on about 35 different occasions. I’m sure there will be some people who read this and instantly accuse me of being a hater, sipping on Haterade, or some other variant of that insipid phrase. And if that’s how you feel, fine. But when I decided to write this piece, I really tried to step back from my fandom and ask myself one very simple question:

Why is it that I hate LeBron James?

(Before I go further, let me simply say that asking myself that question proved infinitely more enjoyable than I imagined. I suggest that you try it at home. Just remove "LeBron James" and insert "that jerk at my office" or "meter maids". Or "everybody". )

Well, after some thought, I've pretty much distilled my hatred into five distinct cuts.

1. The "King" Moniker

Look, I get it: kids give each other nicknames. Most all of us have either had a nickname given to us or given one out to someone else (and I know some of you out there have tried to give yourself a nickname that you thought would be awesome...boo on you...). I got tagged with an awesome one in middle school, which some of my closest friends still use. I got bestowed a not-as-awesome one in high school, which fortunately fizzled out several year ago. Hell, I had a nickname in elementary school that provoked me into scrapping on the playground during recess -- and of course by "scrapping" I mean the pushing, shoving, dog-piling clusterf&%^s that little kids get into.

However, none of my nicknames have been as self-aggrandizing as "King". I fully understand that I was neither 6'6" by the time I was a sophomore in high school nor a dominant athlete at any point of my life past 6th-grade Catholic-league baseball. But seriously, embracing the King James tag clearly shows what kind of ego LeBron has had about himself since he was 14 or 15 years old...which was right around the time most of us were fretting about clear skin and interacting with the opposite sex. And to top it all off -- it's a lazy nickname. Any half-wit could have come up that one.

2. "A Global Icon"

Speaking of ego, the above quotation comes from a magazine feature in 2006, in which a friend/business associate stated that Mr. James' "stated goal" was "becoming a global icon, along the lines of Michael Jordan, Tiger Woods and Muhammad Ali". Really? At that point, LeBron was a third-year player who clearly was developing into a superstar, but had done very little to suggest that the eyes of the globe needed to be fixated in his direction. Since that quote made print, he lead a team (admittedly, a garbage team) to the NBA Finals (where they got dusted), completed two more impressive seasons, collected his first MVP award, and won a gold medal. Guess what? Still nothing there that I would think should have the people of Luxembourg aflutter when the Cavs take the floor. I'm sure the YouTube package you could string together of his highlights would be spectacular, but I'm fairly certain that Spain and England won't be turning away from the Champions' League final to catch Cleveland v. Orlando.

Muhammad Ali captured worldwide attention because he was a champion, not to mention the greatest smack-talker in the history of sport. Tiger Woods gets viewers across the globe because he wins majors, and has the added kicker of generally doing so in spectacular fashion. And MJ? Well, the LeBron supporters will say that his career is running almost parallel to Jordan's up to this point. To them I say: how has comparing previous players to His Airness worked out?

Can James become one of the biggest stars in the history of sports? Entirely possible. But why don't you keep the "global icon" bit to yourself? To have lofty aspirations is admirable; to put it out there like that leans towards hubris.

3. The Mean Mugging

If there's one thing I can't even begin to take away from LeBron James, it is the fact that the man is a highlight factory...and if you don't believe me, just turn on "Sportscenter". If ESPN went 24 hours without showing some clip of LeBron doing something remarkable -- including those crazy trick shots he apparently spends all of his free time practicing -- I might die from the shock of it. But if you take a moment to look at all those highlights, I'll bet you can find a common thread. Because it seems like after every time he racks the rim over some poor soul, every time he hits a buzzer-beater to end a quarter, every time he throws someone's shot into the 9th row...he's gonna make damn sure you know it was him. Either he's flexing as if he was Mr. Olympia, glaring into the crowd, or standing in place, swinging his arms back and forth while waiting to be mobbed by his backup-dancer teammates (his latest innovation). All of it screams, "Pay attention to me. Yes, me. Global Icon, right here." To paraphrase a line from a movie, Mr. James lives on Planet "Look-at-Me,

Look-at-Me!"

(Yes, I absolutely did just reference "10 Things I Hate About You". That's right. Loved that movie.)

(Oh, and while it's evident that the dude's built like a brick shithouse, until I see LeBron actually throw a punch or get into a real scuffle on the floor, I'm not buying the tough-guy routine.)

4. Pregame Shtick

We all know the mark of a great competitor is to face a seemingly insurmountable challenge and to overcome it, and James has definitely met that mark...because as profoundly bad as all the preening is from Bron-Bron during the actual game, he finds a way to surpass that with his "rituals" before the game. If you've watched sports at all in the past two years, I'm certain that you've seen LeBron's signature move -- just before tip-off, he puts the lotion in the basket puts the talc powder in his hands and throws it up into the air, finishing off with a pose of outstretched arms and a skyward gaze. It’s a lovely little routine that the Cleveland crowd eats up with a spoon, and even fans in opposing cities get caught up in the spectacle of it all. It’s such a big deal that Nike, a company that raked in almost $19 billion in revenue in fiscal 2008, made a 60-second spot based on said chalk-tossing.

It’s also something you’d see in Guys and Dolls. Or perhaps in the now defunct Siegfried and Roy show.

And if that wasn’t bad enough, in 2009 James has decided to bring his teammates into the mix of wacky hijinxs. Now, before the powder Voguing, LeBron and Co. pull off a bit referred to as the “family portrait”, where James pantomimes holding a camera while the peons strike a pose – and yes, I continue to use verbiage from the Madonna song, because that’s exactly what it evokes. There have even been occasions where -- get this -- LeBron has set up the imaginary camera on an imaginary tripod so he can get himself into the frame. That right there is the kind of revolutionary comedic genius that rivals Eddie Murphy circa 1985: if your sides aren’t splitting at the thought of it all, then you’re probably a heartless human being. Or a human being with an IQ over 75. And for those WWE fans reading, we all know that it’s a blatant rip-off of the Edge & Christian “5 Second Pose” gimmick…from 5 years ago. Weak.

5. Brand of Play

Now this is the one issue that I have to admit becomes weaker with every passing year. But here’s the bottom line: LeBron James owes much of his dominance to the simple fact that he’s a bull in a china shop. While his jump shot has improved, along with his sublime passing ability, James is still at his most unstoppable when he lowers his shoulder and slams into the lane like a fullback hitting the point of attack at the goal line. It’s an undeniably impressive sight to watch LeBron barrel towards the basket and see professional athletes bounce off him like children trying to bring down their father.

But honestly, is that what defines greatness in the game of basketball? Roughing his way past people who don’t have the strength to stop him?

I’ve seen this one in person, against my hapless Wizards, time after time. LeBron bullying straight to the rim, jumping into whoever managed to get in front of him and either muscling in a point-blank shot or getting to the free throw line. It has none of the creativity of Dwayne Wade slashing through defenders, none of the artistry of Kobe Bryant breaking down his man and hitting the fade-away jumper. It’s rugged, brutish, and forceful. Simply stated, James is the Shaquille O’Neal of wing players – a genetic abnormality who can simply overwhelm his opposition with a physical superiority that is nearly impossible to counteract. And he can’t hit his free throws.

So there you have it…several hundred words on why I hate LeBron James.

And of course, at the end of all this writing…I no longer hate LeBron James.

Ok, ok, I can hear the groans through the internet. But let me explain.

After putting these issues into words, I realize that there’s practically nothing I said about LeBron that I couldn’t have said about a countless number of other athletes. Is the King nickname any more ego-stroking than Gilbert Arenas’ “Agent Zero”/”Hibachi”/”Black President” sobriquets? Does James’ desire for worldwide media domination overshadow Alex Rodriguez and his craven need to be loved by the viewing audience? It isn’t just LeBron showing off after a highlight play – you can’t watch a basketball or football game, college or pro, without seeing screaming, posing, mugging and all types of other preening designed to make it all about themselves. Hell, at least LBJ isn’t dressing up in pink wigs and Halloween sunglasses giving interviews as imaginary characters, like Washington’s own Clinton Portis. LeBron isn’t some type of anomaly, an aberration against the norms of his peers: he is simply the highest-profile example of the modern athlete…and that’s not something that should be held against him any more than anyone else.

So keep tossing powder, King James. We are all witnesses…until NFL training camps open up.